tulips and chimneys

I'm just like a cat on a hot tin roof.

2010-09-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

These feelings are nothing new. Rarely and unpredictably they flow into my system taking hold of everything I do. They are feelings of complete and total isolation, even surrounded as I always seem to be, with dozens are familiar faces.

Certainly it's just the time of year, certainly it's nothing more than my body and soul embracing the hint of autumn that has begun to creep its way into my small world. Certainly it's the music, the smells, and the overbearing longing for adventure that brings me every year to my knees.

Tears don't help at all, laughter is just as bad, and screaming only proves to make me seem even more mentally ill than I already do. So I retreat into my own mind, and there I spend hours on end there asking questions and caring out long drawn out conversations trying to unravel this mystery. In the end, however, I'm only talking to myself.

What happened to me? I'm normally so sure of things. Yet, his blatant disregard for anything I may need and her obvious lack of devotion, have left me feeling crippled, begging for attention.

God! Can't I move forward? Must I always fall back into the same traps?

If I've learned anything over the past three years its this, everything and nothing changes.

L'anniversaire

2010-01-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

My dearest Fairy,

It wasn't until just today that I realized I, your beastly aunt, missed your birthday. I must say I've been anticipating it's arrival for weeks now, but something in the hustle and bustle of my daily life here miles and miles away from you and your brothers made me completely miss the day itself. I hope it was the perfect. I hope there was plenty of sweets and packages wrapped tightly in sparkling ribbons.

I love you dearest, and think of you daily.

Georgia's just a state of mind

2009-11-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

This is a new blog for a new girl.
I no longer have the feeling of a tied down "house wife". Searching to please, fighting for affection from everyone I meet, and always unsure of my next move.
I'm moving moving moving. Growing growing growing.

It's November again, a month of change. This time last year I was stretching my new found wings, entering into a new relationship, starting college, moving out, and experiencing adulthood firsthand. Since then I've learned a lot. I've had to say goodbye to my best and dearest friend. Sitting like a stone in that cold iron chair on our front porch, watching as the cherry red time machine drove away towards Florida, and better things. I have had my first broken heart, a heart I spent years protecting, a heart I have found can only be restored by the healing of Yahweh's touch. I have moved into an old 1940's duplex, complete with hardwood floors, crystal door knobs, and an ideal nook perfect to entertain the idea of a library. I have finally become the ideal student, straight A's and all. And I have been blessed enough to secure a job others would kill for, especially in this time of economical struggle.

Although my life these past six months has been as up and down as Georgia weather itself. Although I've experienced bitter, cold, and reluctant emotions for months at a time. Perfect swirls of autumn leaves and cinnamon sunshine have once again began to appear.
I am content.
I am happy.
I am moving forward.

God bless these, my next few steps.

An unsent letter

2009-05-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

Dearest Brother,

Another Friday afternoon and I've only just woken up. I've a Venti pike roast coffee next to my propped up toes on the living room table and Skinny Love plays in rhythm to my tapping fingers on the keys as I write you this letter. The words you sent me this morning brought a whole new orchestra of tears streaming from my eyes, bitter at the thought that you weren't in the next room, and sweet knowing that our bond has yet to begin to fade. I suppose you're right when you said that God put us together, that male and female rarely live in the same atmosphere without a strew of complications, but in our relationship there was only brotherly love and a perfect match of obsessions and desires.
I miss you terribly, so very very terribly, but I know that in following his will for our lives you had to go.
Please think of me often and don't forget all the great adventures we had together, and will someday have a again.

With love,
Your sister.

2009-05-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

Take one girl, her beautiful black Volvo 850, throw in a suicidal doe and you have a night of hell on your hands.

Story time. Johnathan and I were on our way home from Broadway, my spirits were high from the first decent night I've had in quite some time. The weather today had been perfect, which was in itself surprising since yesterday rain drops the size of golf balls were pouring from one end of the city to the other. We had spent most of the evening with good people, drinking good coffee, and talking about good books and good times. I should have known that that was far too much "good" for one night, especially with the way things have been lately. When it happened so unexpectedly, we were east bound driving maybe 65 (the legal speed limit) down JR Allen and out of absolutely nowhere (or from the cluster of native perennial grasses that stretch across the median) darted the largest female deer I've ever seen. In any other car we could have quite possibly been very badly injured or the car would have been totaled but in the Volvo she hit with nothing more than a loud thud that left me far more shaken then my car itself which didn't even budge an inch upon impact.
I couldn't breathe when I got out to survey the damage, and had to literally sit down after seeing the disaster that is my drivers side. But I knew there was no use in crying just yet, the police had to be called, as well as my parents and a tow truck and by the end of it all my head was swimming, my tears came in waves, and worry of getting it paid for since insurance wont pay for a thing stuck to my chest.

Apart for taking my keys to the body shop tomorrow I don't know what my next move is.
I can't afford a new car, my treasure looks like its been part a dirty battle (complete with blood stains), and I have no transportation for the next unknown span of time.

I need a vacation.

Big B-day Giveaway!

2009-04-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

This is the last day to enter this fabulous giveaway! Fourteen etsy shops got involved to bring you this amazing package full of goodies. Be sure to visit all the stores involved they all have items which are sure to make you dizzy with joy. To enter please visit Audrey's Giveaway Blog.

I'll admit it, I'm completely obsessed with giveaways.

2009-04-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

These prints are utterly adorable. Perch and N. Eve.

Tollipop Giveaway.

2009-04-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

These delightful young ladies remind me so very much of my me and my two sisters. Their adorable dresses and dancing expressions make you want to be a part of their world. You can almost see their personalities captured between the panes of glass that are so evidently holding them back from getting into all kinds of trouble.

Tollipop is too wonderful.

Another Anthropolification.

2009-04-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

Another beauty from Kathleen, and I do believe this might be my favorite yet.

Pleated Petal Tank ANTHROPOLIFICATION GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-04-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I'm filled to burst with thoughts, worries, and wants. I'm in a state of constant budgeting, wish list making, and those painful trips out to my parents to ask for a little change.

Why is it that money seems to be the drive for everyone.

I mean you don't think much about it while you have plenty, but when a time comes when you are strapped beyond all hope you begin to see in green and it consumes you. I hate hate hate that feeling. But can't seem to shake it.

There must be a way out.

I refuse to believe life really is "all about the benjamins".

2009-04-10T00:13:00.000-07:00

Show Tomorrow.

At Gallery 13. Admission is $8.

O'Brother.
Rova Zetella.
Nova Scotian Arms.
Bottle Up and Explode.
Fictions and Skylines.

Definitely worth the time.

Time Management Revisited.

2009-04-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

These days, I stay up far far too late.
Which only leads to sleeping in until the early afternoon.
Which in turn means I don't get out and about until mid afternoon.
At this rate I'm getting nothing done...

As much as I hate to sound like my Mother, I think a schedule might be in order.

My Exit, Unfair

2009-04-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

I remember not too long ago when I thought I knew what doubt and fear really were. When I thought that financial struggle meant not being able to afford that top that I had seen on American Apparel, or that journal that I didn't need quite yet but thought was fabulous and wanted it anyway. A time when they called me a child, and I called them deranged. When I was sure I had reason to fuss and fume about all the "hardships" I was being faced with.
OH, how naive. How terribly and sickeningly naive.

I now face a paycheck of only four hours for two weeks, a paycheck meant to live off of for the weeks to come but will barely feed me for a day. I have sixty five cents in my bank account, an electric bill unpaid, and only a quarter of a tank of gas. And I have to say I think I've gotten there, I've come to the point where worry is sticking to my bones its bled so deep, and uncertainty has made me severely ill.

But I cling to what a good friend once told me. He sat there and looked so deep into my eyes I could feel it in my toes and told me to fall apart, and let the beautiful broken pieces I have left piece me back together.
Maybe this will be the final straw. Maybe this time I really will crash and burn.
Maybe, just maybe.

"Oh, the clouds they brought a darkness and a hard rain's gonna fall,
And all my laughter ends in emptiness and a hard rain's gonna fall.
My every medicine causes more illness and a hard rain's gonna fall."

Worldy Desires.

2009-04-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

I am terribly desperate for a new camera.
And sadly the Nikon D90 was the one that caught my ever eager eye the first day it graced department store shelves this time last year, I simply haven't been able to get it off my mind.
I am no photographer, but its ability to record HD videos, it's 12.3 megapixel resolution, and light weight body has left me drooling and star struck.

I'll choose not to notice that it costs far over three pay checks...

C-Minor.

2009-04-03T23:45:00.001-07:00

It's nearly three in the morning and there's no hope of sleep now.

Today was a very simplistic kind of Friday, I sat there on the train tracks above the river at Flat Rock, water rushing fifty maybe sixty feet below our small wooden platform and your presence was undeniable.
Wrapped in warmth and the desire to listen, she and I talked of the things we could be doing, the people we could be, the people we should be. And I trembled in the perfection of the clouds, and the sun, and the caterpillar creeping across my fingers. I smiled at the charm and felicity found in our own bodies and at the rustle of our words.
We spoke of faith.
Faith.
Faith.
Faith.
It's so hard to grasp, yet there in that moment I had no doubt, no disbelief in the way you were molding my next few months.

I was content.
I was fulfilled.

"Open WIDE my doors, my Lord, my Lord.
Do whatever makes me love you more."

2009-03-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to say I've officially taken on too much. Helping others has always been something I strive whole heartily for, but when these things that you do start to affect your home, your sleep, and your sanity, then you have to draw the line.
Howitzer took it upon himself last night to devour part of my living room couch and finish off the rest of my snow boots. And this after he chased poor Morgan Freeman, my very pregnant cat, up a tree where she stayed for most the evening.

Enough, I guess, is finally enough.

I just have to get up the courage to tell Adam that he is going to need to find Howie a new home.

Tea for two, and two for tea.

2009-03-24T21:10:00.001-07:00

So I do believe I'm finally getting back into the swing of blogging. It has, after all, been years since I've attempted. I'm certainly remembering the delight that comes from pouring a bit of yourself and your thinking into others via internet journaling.

On a different note, I strolled into the apartment tonight, my feet angry from standing for five hours straight and my throat making it quite clear it isn't too fond of allergy season, to find on my kitchen counter one the most charming mugs I've ever seen. It wasn't until I looked a little closer that I realized its glossy porcelain body was standing upright on a note from my dear friend Betsy, and her not even aware of the horrible night I had just had. I can't describe the joy that came over me when I took this tiny cup in my hands and ran my fingers over the lustrous blue and green feathers that lace the sides.

Needless to say, it didn't long after that for the kettle to boil and my new treasure to be filled to the brim with spicy peppermint tea.

Tuesday Afternoon,

2009-03-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with the thought of that ridiculous phone conversation still buzzing in my ears. The tone of his voice, his inappropriate, not to mention, uncalled for words as he took a stab at every aspect of my "eccentric" lifestyle, and the clearly audible click of a phone being disconnected without the courtesy of "goodbyes". I could barely pull myself out of bed, though it was nearly noon.
But shortly after I got in from taking Howitzer out for a walk I was met with Chick-fil-a waffle fries, Diet Coke, and Lars and the Real Girl playing in the livingroom. I took my seat next to Johnathan on my not entirely large enough duck couch and left the thoughts of last night behind me. How can one be overwhelmed with insecurities when they live such a beautiful life?

Time Management

2009-03-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

After a more than amusing telephone conversation with my stepfather tonight, I've realized I really have to get a hold on my life, or more importantly my priorities.
Not to mention it's been far too long since I've made a proper list.

1. I have to get the apartment in order. Things need to be placed in their respectable homes, and rules must be provided for the rest of the house.
2. I have to find a new job. Joanns just isn't cutting it anymore (no pun intended). I can hope for this position at Starbucks, but a plan B and possibly C is needed.
3. I have to devote more time to Howitzer. More park adventures, and quality time. He's a puppy, he needs attention if nothing else.
4. I have to set aside more time for myself. More lush, more Steinbeck, and certainly more writing.
5. And last, but not least, more lists. Life is always easier when lists are involved.

Let me be your lighthouse

2009-03-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

"Let me be a lighthouse, shining on the sea
So you can see me showing you where to be
And row, row, row your boat to shore
And let, let, let my heart adore
you as never before
The birds that sing are the only company I keep
And the sun, as it shines, reminding me of times spent with you
When we had nothing to do
But take walks in parks, and kiss each other
And watch the sparks
And drive down country roads
And sing songs that we both know
We called them lazy days
And we found so many ways to simply enjoy one another
Can we now return to those times?
There is your hand, now here take mine
And look into my eyes, and I'll look into yours
And you tell me stories, and I'll tell you stories,
Of things that have happened in each other's absence
And we'll let our light shine across the sea
Showing others of the love now complete
And we'll make a vow, the opposite of treason
And we'll thank God for giving us another reason
to thank him for the gifts that he gives, like
You to me, and me to you
And us to the world,
And the world to us. "

One week from today. Can you believe it?

2009-03-05T15:53:00.000-08:00

My beautiful friend,

The snow this sunday past was divine. Flakes the size of dinner plates fell from every angle and painted the ground, the parked cars, and the roof tops on the avenue. Televisions were cut off, stereos muted, and video games set to the side as the children of the nearby houses poured into the streets, their noses quite pink and there coats not quite broken in as they searched for anything that could be made into a sled. Their laughter danced towards us as we all piled into the car in search of the perfect spot to spend our snow day.
After chocolate chip waffles and a quick trip to the store where we purchased what was quite possibly the last of the winter attire (two pairs of gloves, and a set of five dollar snow boots for each) we hit the park. Dark grassy hills were for this day only covered in a thick foot of blue snow, ice sickles hung lovingly from every branch of every tree and our breath stretched out feet in front of us. Can you believe it? Snow, miles of it, in Georgia? A vision described by Frost as "A blow-away paper the rain had brought to rest." Its been days now and I still find it hard to grasp.
As for the days since, life moves ever onward. Twisting in ways I could have never imagined, but I'm doubting less and less and that has to be progress. Finally, my bills are paid, and my debts almost extinguished and it's only a matter of a few months till I'll walk the halls of the University once again. Life really does seem to be falling into place.
Tomorrow, I leave for Florida with the paster. He's asked me to forget my plans and come to his home town so he can show me the beauty he is sure only I will understand. I'm sure my next letter will come from there, and I hope this note as well as the next finds you in a good place. Until then, love, think of me and keep me in your prayers.

With the love and the devotion of your friend,
Lolly

2009-02-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

It's an empty rainy day here on the Avenue. The rivers that are forming here and there make it hard to keep my mind on the matters at hand. Rather than worrying about school loans and job prospects I find myself wanting to follow the dirty streams into there new home at the bottom of the gutter.
I'm so horribly limited.